Psst! Remember, the “I’ll Change My Name to Wendy or Tammy” Contest and Promo Ho Contest continue! Click here for details—and be sure to post a comment! ~DD

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

I had a brainstorm of an idea about writing some erotic shorts about sex toys, and vibrators, in particular. Here comes the confession: I’d never used one until about a year ago. Okay, I’ve said it. I feel better.

I read a blurb on someone else’s blog about a Rabbit, and I didn’t know what it was. So I emailed the author off-loop and she told me. Embarrassed initially, I started to get curious and Googled the Rabbit and it provided me a link to several sites. I picked one, and voila!

There were colorful vibrators of every size and shape. I mean, it looked more like the advertisement for Jelly Belly there was so much pink and blue and purple latex “shimmering” like gummy worms of a different sort.

I noticed a little chat box in the upper left corner of the site and clicked on customer service online. I got connected to a nice lady who answered several of my questions—things I had never told a living soul before, including my husband. She made a recommendation, and I bought it.

What happened when I received the product is another story for another time. Needless to say, it has become a happy companion of mine, and my husband, something I never expected.

So I decided I would write a story about ordering from an online catalog, like I did, and used the chat/customer service help as one of the key ingredients. Except the outcome was vastly different from my experience.

And I decided to call it The Stimulus Package.

I have never promoted this book much, and used my erotic pen name, Angela Love, instead of my real name. With all the blogging I have done on guest sites for my Heavenly Lover, the Angel book, this short has sold three times more than anything else I have written without any promotion. And here’s why.

Timing.

I get to hear the title of my book every night on the news. Hear some pretty important people using that term every day. It tickles me to death.

I kept to my theme, and wrote Buzz Words about a voice-activated vibrator. And then Road Rage, which was based on a partially true story told to me over breakfast at a women’s retreat. And yes, we were all spitting out our eggs and OJ.

After all, girls just want to have fun.

Hope you enjoy the excerpt. Heed the warning!

Content Advisory: Explicit M/F sex scene, frank language. Do not try this online.

Candy wanted to stop her fingers from hitting the hot pink button that read, “Live Support” on the Garden of Delights Sex Toys website, but they had a life of their own. They lurched forward, and the familiar help screen popped up.

She’d been here two or three times before. Kate was the customer service rep she chatted with online, someone she liked and trusted, and who asked her all the questions she didn’t know to ask: How dry are you? Do you like warming gels? Do you like clitoral stimulation, or anal penetration with your sexual partners? These were all things she began to openly discuss with Kate—the only other person in the whole world who knew her most intimate secrets.

JOSH: Hi there. This is Josh. How can I help you?

She hesitated, and then typed, “Where is Kate today? Don’t see her avatar on the site.”

JOSH: She’s off. Who am I speaking to, please?

Her fingers were frozen. “I’d like to speak to a woman, please.”

JOSH: I am truly sorry. We have a wedding and several of our customer supports are out today. I would be happy to pass along your questions, or would you prefer to log in tomorrow?

Yes, that would be better. Candy looked at Josh’s avatar. A cartoon character of a perfectly geeky computer nerd with large glasses. Harmless. And she did need to get her question answered and place her order quickly. She needed it for Friday night.

CUSTOMER X: No offense, Josh, but I’d feel more comfortable talking to a woman. Sorry.

JOSH: I understand completely. Well then, if I can’t answer anything for you, have a good day.

He disconnected.

Candy needed the item in time for her sister’s bachelorette party. And then there was that dare, that $100 bet she had with her sister. Candy logged back into the website.

JOSH: Hi there. This is Josh. How can I help you?

CUSTOMER X: This is Candy. I just talked to you.

JOSH: Oh yes, the one who wanted to speak to a woman. Can’t help you there, darlin’.

Darlin’? That wasn’t the kind of language a computer nerd would use. She knew this was a bad idea.

JOSH: Hello? I can see you’re still logged on. Have I said something wrong?

CUSTOMER X: Sorry, the dog was barking.

What a big fat lie. She hated dogs. She owned two rescue cats.

JOSH: I understand. Dog lover. Good for you. I’m a cat lover myself.

She hesitated again. Why was she getting nervous?

CUSTOMER X: Okay, I need to ask you a very general question. I need to buy something for my sister, for her Bachelorette party. I wanted to buy her a battery-operated vibrator.

JOSH: Hon, most of them are battery-operated.

Hon?

CUSTOMER X: Okay. Well, what I want is something that operates on voice commands. My sister heard about one, I think it was called The Liberator, and the girls at her office were raving about it.

JOSH: We have several of them. Color?

CUSTOMER X: Flesh.

JOSH: Whose flesh?

CUSTOMER X: Pink.

JOSH: Size?

CUSTOMER X: What are the choices?

JOSH: You’ve looked at our vibrator section on the site? Would you like me to accompany you?

CUSTOMER X: How do you do that?

JOSH: We do a go to meeting thing. I can move your cursor for you, show you the options and how to search and find the one you want, show you the product reviews.

CUSTOMER X: It’s for my sister.

JOSH: I can help her too. Is she there?

CUSTOMER X: No.

JOSH: Okay, then it’s just you and I.

Candy hesitated again. What am I doing?

Thanks for having me, Delilah. Tell me, have any of you used an online chat representative when ordering from a sex toys catalog? I’d love to hear it!

Sharon Hamilton
Life is one fool thing after another.
Love is two fool things after each other.
http://sharonhamiltonauthor.blogspot.com
http://www.sharonhamiltonauthor.com
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