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Jennifer Macaire: Twelve Things a Writer Most Dreads
Wednesday, December 16th, 2015

It’s nearly Christmas, and of course, the twelve days of Christmas comes to mind, and with that, here are Twelve Things a writer most dreads (Sing to the tune of “A Partridge in a Pear Tree”…).

1) Rejection letters from agents.
Even if the note is just a simple “No thank you,” we see this:
Dear Author,
Please stop sending me your hackneyed prose. Your stories suck. I hope you have another job, because writing just ain’t it. If I sold writing like yours, I’d be the laughing-stock of my profession. Please, for my sake and yours, stop querying me. “

2) Rejection letters from publishers.
Again, our imagination tends to see things in a darker light…
Dear Author,
Just because we publish several of your online writing buddies, and just because your favorite author in the whole world is in our stable of authors, that doesn’t mean you are welcome. As a matter of fact, if it were Christmas eve and ours was the only stable in town, and you were pregnant and riding on a donkey – we still wouldn’t take you. Do us and the publishing world a big favor – take up bird watching.”

3) Typos in submission letters.
Dear Agnet,
Dare Agent,
Deer Anget,
I’d like to submit my story, “Angles on Crusade…”
I’d like to sumbit by story,
Sincely yours,
Sincerey yours,
Jenfiner
Jennifre

4) Typos in our finished and FINALLY published books:
Page 34: Instead of the Gulf of Mexico, it reads the Golf of Mexico…

5) Readers picking up on our little typos.
“Dear ex-favorite author. I read your latest story. Where the f%*@! is the Golf of Mexico? Do you mean the one in Tijuana, the Golf del Sur? Or did you mean the one in Cancun – the Country club and Golf Verdez? In any case, it makes no sense. I’m through reading your books. An ex-fan.

6) Having nobody read our books.
“Dear Author – here is your royalty statement for the year 2006 / 2007:
You sold 0 copies
Your royalties are 0.00$

7) The Advance that Just Won’t Go Away.
“Dear Author. Your advance was 1000$. You sold 0.00$ this year. You still owe us 1000$ on your advance against royalties. It will be a cold day in Hell before we sign another contract with you.

8) A Negative Review:
“The Tell Tale Tart by Jennifer Macaire – ZERO STARS! Where to begin? Well, it was hard enough to get into, and I barely got to the end – I only threw the book against the wall 86 times, and it’s a novella, folks. The heroine, Janice, who is an ex-prostitute, makes having the stomach flu seem fun, and the hero, Mike, the man who tries to “save” her, really should be locked up somewhere in a maximum security prison for eternity. The good news is, it’s practically a short story. The bad news is it cost me 4.95$ as a used book on Amazon. This was the worst piece of trash I’ve ever read. Don’t even bother taking it out of the library.” Nancy the usually really Nice reviewer for Rarin’ to Read Reviews

9) Trying to find a quote to use from a negative review.
“The Tell Tale Tart…The heroine Janice…fun…the hero Mike…eternity. Good News.”

10) Plagiarism
Finding out someone has plagiarized your book, taken your characters and given them slightly different names, changed the title a bit, but kept the plot! “The Whole Hale Heart” by M. Desforges, a love story about Jane, and ex-call girl and Mark, the man who wants to give her a new life.

11) Finding out the ‘OTHER’ book gets a five-star review and lands on the NYT best seller list.
“…I can’t say enough good things about Ms. Desforges new book. Her fresh new writing makes the wonderful characters come to life. I want to spend my entire life reading more books about Mark and Jane. Fabulous. Highly recommended.” Nancy the really Nice reviewer for Rarin’ to Read Reviews

12) Success. Because then you have to write another book just as good!

 I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! I just got some great news – “Murder and Mayhem” just won the Reader’s Choice award for the best urban fantasy 2015 at Evernight Publishing. It’s a mystery tale with a dose of romance and a zest of humor. If you liked Buffy the Vampire slayer, you’ll enjoy May, the vampire killer.

jmMurderandMayhem-evernightpublishing-jayAheer2015--banner4

Meet May, the vampire killer. She’s quick, clever, and deadly, and she takes life very seriously having been killed once before by a mob of rogue vamps. Her father, a powerful necromancer, brought her back to life. She’s M.U.C.I.’s (Mutant and Undead Criminal Investigation) best man, er, woman, well, zombie actually, for catching and killing rogue vampires, so when two kids show up with all the signs of having been killed by a rogue, May gets the case.

Clues lead straight to a certain Bartholomew Aelfrith, a vampire, whose sense of humor and tall blond good looks are enough to convince May he needs killing, even if he’s not the killer. If he makes one more joke about her chop-sticks, she’s going to stab him through the heart with one. The problem is, Bartholomew is probably the only person who can catch the real killer, so May has to put up with his insouciance and his wise-cracks, and his penchant for picking up strays of all kinds.

But if he says, “I’ve got a plan” one more time, she’s going to scream.

Buy the book at Evernight Publishing

May’s traditional zombie stir fry recipe: Honey Lemon Chicken and Asparagus

Serves 4

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon oil
1 pound chicken, cut into bite sized pieces
1 pound asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1 inch pieces
2 tablespoons honey
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 tablespoons soy sauce (reduced sodium)
1/4 cup chicken both – (May uses chicken bullion cubes)
1 teaspoon chilli sauce or a pinch of cayennne pepper
1 clove garlic, grated
1 teaspoon ginger, grated
1 tablespoon water
2 teaspoons cornstarch

Directions:

– Mix honey, lemon juice, soy sauce, broth, chill sauce, lemon zest, garlic, ginger and set aside in a bowl.

– Heat the oil in a pan over medium-high heat, add the chicken and stir fry until cooked through and browned a bit.

– Add the asparagus and stir fry until it turns a brighter green, about 2 minutes.

– Add the honey, lemon juice mixture, stir

– Whisk the water with the corn starch, stir in to coat and cook until the sauce thickens, about a minute.

Serve over rice. (May likes to drink ginger beer with this, and finish up with lychees and her father’s smoky moon-shadow tea.)

Jennifer Macaire’s website
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