Yesterday was a very sad day for our family.

We lost our horse, Kansas. She was very, very old—so her passing wasn’t unexpected. Above is a picture taken of her yesterday morning with the 20-year-old who loved having the chore of feeding and currying her. The sixteen-year-old loved to feed her slices of apple. She roamed our pasture with her three Mini-Mes—our goats—who loved her and followed her lead always when hunting for nice grass or sheltering from a storm.

I called my ex-husband to talk about Kansas because he knew her history well.

He told me she was raised by a little boy in the Smoky Mountains, but after a while his father decided he needed a bigger horse, so she was sold to a horse dealer and in turn sold to a family whose daughter wanted to become a barrel racer. Together with Kansas, she raced all over the region and did very well, qualifying to go to the nationals. However, the girl decided she didn’t want to barrel race anymore, and Kansas ended up in the hands of a friend of my ex-husband’s in Tennessee.

He’d go there to ride. She kept a lot of horses, and the one he preferred to ride wasn’t available one day, so he pointed at Kansas. His friend warned him that she didn’t like men and wouldn’t let them ride her. However, my husband is an “animal whisperer”—any animal really, but especially with dogs…and horses. Yes, he preferred bigger, flashier horses, but there was something about this little “foundation” Indian pony, a sturdy appaloosa, that he liked. She was called Kansas because of the white tornado on her face. You can see it in the picture above.

When he first rode her, he noted that she’d get “high-headed” and purposely bump people, but she let him ride her. They got along well. Afterward, his friend said she needed a home and gave him the horse.

He kept her for years and rode her in the North Georgia mountains and the Smoky Mountains with groups of horse riders who liked to trek through the wilderness in wild places with mininal established trails. He said she was a “go” horse, who just loved to go fast—a little powerhouse. She’d easily go up or down mountains on those long treks, and when they’d head for home, he’d pin a glow stick to her tail, drop her reins, and let her guide the rest of the group down the mountains.

He trained her to do a lot of tricks because she was very smart. He quickly had her doing sliding stops, backing up, and allowing herself to be mounted from either side, and more. She was never fond of men, other than him, but loved children. She’d grow a full wooly coat in winter and would break the ice for his other horses when the troughs or pond would freeze.

However, she got old, and he wanted her to find a place to live out the rest of her years in peace, well cared for. That’s how she came to us about thirteen years ago. The oldest girl, when she was younger, rode her for a little while, but for the remainder of her days, she lived in our pasture and woods. She was forty years old; her teeth were worn to nubs and her back was swayed with age. However, during her annual checkups, the veterinarian would marvel over how healthy and active she still was. The farrier would comment on how calm and gentle she was. She was a friend to our three goats, who followed her around like she was their mother.

Yesterday, the 20-year-old said she was off her feed. When she walked around behind her, she noticed something protruding from her vagina. We called vets all over the state to come check her out. One came in the afternoon. She had a prolapsed vagina due to cancer. With our blessing, he euthanized her in the field.

When he left, the goats stood in a row nearby, unmoving, as though they were at a funeral, giving their last respects to their friend. My son-in-law buried her nearer the woods. Then last night, we had a terrible storm and we lost power for eight hours. There were tornadoes in the area, but the only damage we had was to the goats’ pen. A limb fell on it, but they were unharmed. I figure the storm was Kansas, with her white tornado marking, leaving us.

I have a puzzle for you below. It’s of a group of horses. The one that’s second from the left is how I imagine she would’ve looked in her youth, and how I imagine horse heaven, with her in it, would look. RIP, Kansas.

UPDATE: The winner is…Jennifer Beyer!
*~*~*

I strive every day to find happiness. It can be little or big things. Given what I’ve been facing (my cancer journey), it sometimes is hard. But I don’t allow myself to wallow in sadness or negativity. I make a choice every day when I wake up to find happiness.

For me, I find happiness in little, everyday things. I love a good meal. I’ve been on a quest since last August to find pasta recipes that appeal to me so that I can experiment with making them at home. I’m not much of a cook, and I know my daughter doesn’t have time to do it for me, but the search and the process of trying out these recipes has given me joy. Recently, I watched an Italian chef make Cacio e Pepe, so I thought, that looks yummy and easy. Are the ingredients available locally? I couldn’t find the special, fat spaghettoni you need (he said the fatter surface of the noodles makes the sauce cling better), so I ordered a package from Amazon. The special sheep cheese, Pecorino, wasn’t at my local Walmart, so again, I went back on the internet to get it.

When everything arrived, I made it for myself because my daughter and her girls don’t like a wide variety of cheeses and have a strange dislike for goat and sheep cheeses. I toasted the peppercorns on a pan, grated the cheese, saved the pasta water to help the process of making the pasta creamy. The result was…underwhelming. I know it must have been me or substandard ingredients. However, the quest was the point, not the result. It would’ve been nice to have found a new pasta I could love, but hey, I did the thing.

The same goes for my #the100dayproject challenge that I decided to undertake. Every time I gather the day’s supplies to complete a project, I enjoy the process of making those choices. I love sitting in the quiet and putting pen or paint to paper. It’s soothing, and I feel pride when I complete the thing, even if it’s not quite as beautiful as I’d envisioned.

My daughter has a love for scented candles, in particular Bath & Bodyworks candles, and she hits every sale. It’s not just that she likes her home to smell good—she loves the quest to find a lovely candle. She loves the special candleholders and lids and collects those. I have lovely candles all over my desk because she shares her discoveries and finds joy in doing so.

I love, love, love sharing my love of film with the 16-year-old. We have similar taste. Right now, we’re watching True Detective: Night Country, and we’re watching one episode at a time rather than bingeing it because we’re savoring the journey together. We’ll finish before my surgery at the end of the month.

I’ve been feeling nostalgic for the TV shows I loved when I was a kid. Of course, I’ve been on a couple-year journey to watch every Star Trek series. I finished and plan to make another pass through it all this summer, in chronological order, just for the pure pleasure. I’ve been watching The Time Tunnel and Lost in Space.

So, that’s how I deliberately seek happiness. Every day I find it without looking for it, too. Sharing laughter with the family, enjoying the purr in my ear of the cat who likes to drape herself over my shoulder while I watch TV—so many unplanned moments, but I savor them.

So, for a chance to win a $5 Amazon gift card, tell me what brings you happiness.

Report Card

Last week…

1. I completed one author’s edits! Yay!
2. I’ve continued some light exercises.
3. I’ve been painting every day as part of #the100dayproject—and I’m liking my latest efforts.

This next week…

1. I will have one author’s edits to begin work on. I’d like to get halfway through it.
2. I’ll send out a notice to authors to see who might like to blog on my website, April through June—since I plan to still be here!
3. I’ll return my attention to Ignition, because I really, really want to finish it before April 1st!
4. I have administrative things to do this week to “get my affairs in order” before surgery.
5. I’ll continue working on #the100dayproject.

Update

This month, I’m busy trying to get ready for my surgery that’s happening on April 1st. I have lots of little things to handle before the big day—making sure my daughter knows where my important papers are, making sure she knows who to contact should something go wrong, leaving breadcrumbs for her to find her way through my computer and files. I’ve had this computer for a number of years, and it has little idiosyncrasies that might drive a person who isn’t familiar with it crazy.

I’ve had interesting conversations with the girls—who gets my bedroom, office, and craft room when I’m gone. The 16-year-old has dibs, and she’s said my bedroom will remain the same because she loves all my “junk,” and the office will become her gaming room, AND she won’t let her mom ditch all my craft and art supplies in the art room because she wants to putter in there with all those “treasures.” We laughed about it. And we all talk often about what happens when I’m gone. Getting them used to the idea helps with the grief. We had a long time taking care of grandma, my father, and my mother to get used to the idea of their passing. It helped to talk about a future without them. Yes, their deaths were still devastating, but the sting was somewhat muted because we’d prepared ourselves emotionally. NOT THAT I DON’T FULLY EXPECT TO MAKE IT THROUGH MY SURGERY! I do! Still…

Can I bitch about a little thing and not seem silly? My hair is beginning to grow back in—and my, oh my is it ever gray (well, more silver than gray). And, it’s growing faster at the bottom than the top of my head, which looks very weird. I joke that I look like Ludwig Von Drake. I’ll still be in hats through the summer!

Now that I’m just doing immunotherapy infusions, the chemo-devastation has subsided. My foot neuropathy is still there as is my slightly blurred vision, but I can make it through the day without taking a nap, although I do shut down working in the early afternoon and head to my recliner to watch some TV. I’m still building stamina—which will take another big hit after the 1st.  I’m so not looking forward to the recovery, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure the 16-year-old doesn’t get her mitts on my art supplies just yet. 🙂

UPDATE: The winner is…Ani Stubbs!
*~*~*

All my plans are kind of in the air as of yesterday. I have to rejigger my work schedule to prepare for surgery on April 1st. It will be a long recovery because they are doing a full hysterectomy, plus taking out anything affected by cancer (omentum, maybe lymph nodes). The surgeon said it would take 4-6 weeks to recover. My daughter who had a radical a few years ago said think a year before you feel normal-ish again. I told the doctor my only concern is when I can get into the pool this summer. I expect to be back at work, even if I’m sitting in a recliner with my laptop instead of at my desk, within two weeks. Anyway, the upcoming surgery is guiding my workplan this month.

February

Work-related:

1. Again, I didn’t write a single word in all of February. That was not the plan, but recovery of my imagination and stick-to-it-iveness hasn’t been something I can force, obviously.
2. I completed 2 editing projects for other authors in February and am nearing the end of another. They were all long projects, so I feel like I’m tooling along with the editing. I’m back up to speed.
3. So, yeah, it was another light-ish month of work! However, my pace is improving.

Health-related:

1. I met with the heart doctor in early February. Everything there is trending well. My hypertension is under control.
2. I had bloodwork done at the beginning of this week. My Cancer Antigen test was a normal-range 23—so it looks like the cancer is still reined in!
3. I met with the gynecological oncology surgeon yesterday, and I’m a go for a full hysterectomy+ on April 1st—something I was told would probably never be in my cards when I started my journey but is going to happen now!

Happiness-related: 

1. I attended my art guild’s meeting this month and participated in a guided painting session. It was so fun!
2. I have been painting this month and began the #100dayproject! Here are a few small pieces I completed:

March

  

1. AGAIN: To complete Ignition before the end of the month and publish it. Writing is a little elusive still, but I need to get this one out the door before my surgery.
2. To plot stories for the new year for my current series, Montana Bounty Hunters: Yellowstone, MT and We are Dead Horse.
3. To complete 3 editing projects in March. Plus, I will get halfway through another project that I will continue after surgery.
4. To look at books I already have out that I might bundle together or publish in print. I’ll be assembling another Ultra collection of short stories for publication soon—maybe not in March because I’m going to be getting ready for surgery and down-time, but soon.

For health-related, I plan:

1. To get another immunotherapy infusion in early March.
2. To watch what I eat to drop a few pounds before surgery. I want to be as healthy as I can be going in.
3. To add more physical activities to my daily routine to regain more muscle tone before I spend weeks being nearly immobile after surgery!

For happiness-related, I plan: 

1. To get my affairs in order. That sounds so dark, doesn’t it? I just mean that I want bills paid, passwords to my accounts updated and recorded, so my dd can handle things for me during my post-op period. I don’t want to leave everything until the last minute. And yeah, I do want her to know where the life insurance policies are…
2. To continue the #100dayproject, although I concede I will likely have to take a hiatus just before surgery and for a couple of weeks afterward, so I won’t be finishing in 100 days, but I will produce 100 pieces as quickly as I can.
3. To spend time with the family—more movies, meals, and flea market adventures!

Contest

Comment on anything you’ve read in this post. Tell me what you’re doing to make yourself happier and healthier, or tell me what you plan to read in March…

Like I said, comment on anything for a chance to win a $5 Amazon gift card!

Yes, I’ve changed the color of my cancer awareness ribbon. The pretty teal one was only for ovarian—my cancer is more generalized: endometrial/mullerian. Besides, I was bored with the blue.

Anyways, I’ve had an interesting day. My daughter and I traveled this morning to Little Rock to the Cancer Institute there to find out whether they would perform surgery to remove all my affected organs, which might give me a better chance of beating this cancer.

Before we even got there, we had an adventure. We had just taken the three-lane offramp and were stopped in a line of vehicles at the traffic lights when a firetruck and another emergency vehicle arrived with sirens and horns blowing. The cars in the center lane tried to move into our lane to give the big honking trucks room on the far left to get by. The vehicle in the center lane, to our left, began to back up, and my daughter laid on her horn to alert the driver that we were there—which the driver did not hear—and yeah, she hit our SUV. So, with only 45 minutes before my appointment with the surgeon, we had to contact 911 to get a trooper to come take our information before we could drive away.

We could not have been hit by a nicer lady. She took full responsibility, then saw my chemo hat and lack of eyebrows and told me she was a 15-year breast cancer survivor and asked about mine. She’s a nurse, teaching other nurses. The trooper was a very serious looking individual but very efficient. We made it to my appointment on time.

So, now for the news. Yes, I am scheduled for surgery at the beginning of April! They are going to take everything they find that’s affected by cancer—ovaries, uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, omentum, and lymph nodes—plus anything else they discover once they’re in. It’s going to be a huge incision down the middle of my abdomen. Before I was scheduled, I told him the only thing I was concerned about was recovering in time for pool season. During the examination, he told me he was surprised that my uterus was a normal size now and that my cervix looked perfect. Well, of course, I wanted to tell him. I’m the perfect patient. Lots of fight and positivity left in me! My daughter is more worried about how all of this is going to go down. She has to have everything planned. Who’s going to stay with me in the hospital? Do we need another lift-recliner chair for me to sleep in because she’s sure getting in and out of bed will be too hard for me. She has to shop for dresses for me because she says I won’t want to wear anything that’s binding around my waist. And on, and on…

The nurse I saw at the beginning of all my appointments today (surgeon, bloodwork, EKG, X-ray) took my blood pressure after we rushed in fresh from the accident, and she told me she was very surprised my blood pressure was so normal after all the excitement. I told her I don’t worry about things until I know I have a problem. Why flap my wings like an excitable chicken and stress myself out? Right now, everything is wonderful. My latest bloodwork shows that everything’s trending perfectly. I’m in remission and heading into surgery to further attack this insidious disease. I’m here now. 

Report Card

Last week…

1. I continued work on one author’s edits. I’m nearing the end!
2. I’ve started some light exercises I found on Pinterest for women of a certain age—mostly chair yoga and things I can do holding onto a countertop or pressing against a wall. Baby steps!

This next week…

1. This week, I’ll be diving back into finishing up Ignition! Seriously, I don’t know why I’m avoiding it so hard. I need to finish it and put it up for pre-order.
2. I have one author’s edits to wrap up and two more authors’ edits to work on this week.
3. So far as personal goals—I’m still not ready to diet. However, I am going to continue to do those light exercises until I’m ready for some cardio.
4. The #100daychallenge starts next Sunday. I’ll be gathering art books for examples and materials to get ready for the art spree! Can’t wait!

Open Contests

Be sure to check out these posts and enter to win the prizes that are still up for grabs:

1. Clear My Bookshelf Giveaway — Last day to enter! Win a signed book!
2. TGIF (Contest) — Last day to enter! Win a FREE book!
3. Saturday Puzzle-Contest: Super Bowl Sunday! — This one ends soon! Win an Amazon gift card!
4. Sliding Puzzle: Fairytale Castle and The Ferryman (Contest) — Win an Amazon gift card!
5. Gabbi Grey/Gabbi Black: Why I own the Queen of Instalove title (Contest) — Win a FREE book!
6. Saturday Puzzle-Contest: Another Rainy Day — Win an Amazon gift card!

UPDATE: The winner is…Daphne Cochran!
*~*~*

Ugh. It’s true. When it rains, it pours. We’ve had heavy rains for a couple of days now, with a cold front moving in behind it, set to hit tomorrow night. So, of course, our heating system decided it was time to stop working. AND it happened late yesterday afternoon—AFTER every heat & air repair shop was closed for the day. We did manage to contact a company that told us the soonest they could come was Monday. Saturday night’s 25-degree forecast means we’ll have to put every space heater and electric blanket to use.

Anyway, we’ll be okay. I’ll use my space heater to keep the bunnies warm while I cuddle with my cats, Pumkin and Tessa, under a pile of blankets.

The rain came down in sheets for a while today. So, I chose a “rainy” photo for the puzzle. Hope you enjoy it!

For a chance to win a $5 Amazon gift card, tell me what the weather’s like for you this weekend!