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Archive for December 11th, 2010

S#$t happens to the Devlins
Saturday, December 11th, 2010

I babysat last night while the red-headed hellion (RDH) found advanture at Walmart.

While standing in the toy aisle looking at Fischer-Price toys for the two-year-old demon child, RDH heard a commotion coming from the front of the store. She cocked an ear toward the noise, but didn’t move. Then two Asian women ran past, hunched over and whispering furiously, “You mus’ run!”

The two women began to move the toys off the shelves as though they would hide in the shelves. She asked what was wrong, but they only shook their heads. “Mus’ hide!”

Then a hispanic woman ran past. “He’s got a gun!”

That’s all the RDH needed to here. “Fuck the shelves, let’s get to the back of the store.”

At this point, more people were rushing past, all passing her because she was in heels. She ran past a cute redneck next to the gun display and grabbed his arm. “Run.”

He looked kind of shocked—deer-in-the-headlights shocked. She ran past him, grabbing his arm to force him down the aisle. Over her shoulder, she shouted, “He’s got a gun!”

RDH caught up with the crowd and got in front of them, heading toward the auto shop area because she knew they had an exit door. She ran behind the counter, started pressing buttons to open the door, but couldn’t find it. At least the area was darkened. She hid under a bench and repeatedly dialed 911, only to be put on hold over and over—WTF? This is Boonieville, Arkansas.

Then three Walmart workers showed up. “What are you guys hiding for? You need to leave, you aren’t supposed to be here.”

Of course, it ended well. Some dude escaped from the county lock-up and the cops caught him in Walmart with a flying tackle. Over in two minutes, but where would have been the fun in that? Which begs the question. Why would someone escaping from jail want to go to Walmart?

RDH says, “Maybe he needed to do his Christmas shopping.”

Yeah, I’m sitting at her table now, drinking coffee, wondering how I would have reacted, if it had been me. Like the guy at the gun counter, she would have been pulling me behind her because I would have wanted a closer look. And because I giggle when I’m nervous, I would have been laughing hysterically. No, guess she would have left my ass behind.